Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Update

So my secret pal doesn't think I've been wasting my time, back on October 30th, I bought a Cabin Fever pattern (two actually) to make a short sleeve cardigan with the Cotton Classic yarn she sent. I picked out the "Check-Mate Cardigan", and have been busy knitting away on it. All I have left is one sleeve, work in the ends, and sew on buttons! WOW! I can really surprise myself sometimes! Of course, it's been sitting at the stage it's at now (missing one sleeve) for over a week - I'll get a move on it again once I get a better grip on Christmas presents! I also bought the pattern for the "Lace Checks" shell to match, and will go on a search for more yarn (hope I can match the dye lot) after Christmas. It's funny that models knit for the patterns I choose are almost the same color as the yarn my secret pal sent!


This past weekend found us at the Garfield Christmas show presented at one of the local military base theaters. You can't beat free tickets to a kid's event. DH and I both napped off and on, despite the screaming, I mean singing, kids all around us. The kids had fun and that's always a good thing.


Came home yesterday to find a package from my secret pal! All I can say is that I have no doubt she busted the $50 limit during package number 3, yet she still sent even more! I love the sweater pattern book. It's several basic patterns, designed using a grid method, that you can adjust for size, yarn weight, needle size, etc, along with add your own touches to the patterns. I know this is a book that I will use frequently throughout the years ahead. The Cascade yarn is a lovely color - not quite as bright as it shows up on my screen - a nice pink rose color. I think a felted market basket bag is in order! :-)


Finally snapped a photo of Sheba - she isn't pictured in the side bar with the other pets. Taking a picture of a solid black cat isn't easy, but at least she looks like a cat in this photo, vice the black blob she usually looks like.




Below are pictures taken of Phoenix over the past 2 weeks - plenty of others on the camera - all similar. I'm coming back to life as a cat, with an owner like me. This is also what I will look like on Christmas day - stretched out on the couch snoozing. I have the mid watch Christmas eve - so will go to work at 11:00 pm and get off at 7:30 am Christmas morning. I'll get home just in time for the kids to attack their presents. Once that's over, it will be lights out for me!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Revelations and happy thoughts

So a few days ago I tell DH that I will now live by his standards, since he seems incapable of living up to mine. I tell him I expect that as long as I don't do anything he hasn't already done, it shouldn't bother him. He asks why not. I explain that since he is forever telling me that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill when I get upset about his lies, his infidelities, his covering up of whatever he is doing, then he certainly can not feel any differently than he expects me to feel about it.

He often claims that the worst thing I do is argue if the kids are around (doesn't it take two to argue?). He claims it shows him that I don't love him, that I am putting my needs to discuss something over and above what is best for the children. Okay, he is entitled to his opinion, and I'm not even saying it is wrong, but he needs to look at himself for that as well, rather than just point the finger at me. Anyway, I told him that it wouldn't happen again. Period. Will I get the benefit of him never lying to me again, never hiding things from me again, being totally faithful to me? No. I know that, and told him so. Yet he also thinks he can still claim that his infidelities, his lies, his deceit, are to in no way to be interpreted as showing a lack of love for me on his part.

So I continued to explain to him that he no longer gets the benefit of me living by my standards. I live by his. If that includes affairs, oh well. If that includes lies and deceit, oh well. It's okay for him to treat me that way, it should be okay for me to treat him that way. After all, according to him, it isn't a reflection of his love for me, so it shouldn't be a reflection of my love for him. According to him, my only way to show him I love him is by presenting a happy couple to the kids. So I'll do that, which isn't a bad thing at all, but it's far from the truth, and personally, I feel the truth is better - buffer them from it maybe, dilute it maybe, but I still feel wrong in outright deceiving them, which is what he is asking for. But I've told him I will present a happy couple to them, whenever they are present. I also explained that I expected him to leave me the hell alone if they weren't in the room. No groping my breast when he walks by. No trying to hug me when I'm busy with something. If he had to have sex, fine, but I expect him to wear a condom, oral sex is out, and don't expect anything more from me than just lying there with my legs spread.

He thinks it is wrong if I lie to him, if I hide anything, if I'm not all loving to him, because I'll be doing things deliberately. I ask him if that isn't what he's been doing. Making phone calls, taking phone calls, sending emails, sending little romantic e-cards, deleting dialed and received calls from his cell phone, screwing some bimbo - in her house, in her car, in our car, probably in our house too - like some sex crazed teenage boy that can't control his hormones. He claims no, it all just keeps 'happening', none of it is deliberate. Good heavens, does he HEAR himself?!?!

But, what's good for the goose....

He says it doesn't follow. Ah, another prime example of how he expects double standards. That he can do whatever he wants, and it isn't suppose to hurt me, I'm not suppose to be bothered by it, I'm suppose to ignore all of it and act like we are the happy couple.

I ask why I'm suppose to ignore the bad things he does, and only judge his love for me by the good things (though few and far between they may be). He claims it's because that's what he expects. Okay, so doesn't it follow that I can expect the same? That he will ignore whatever bad things I do, as long as I am doing the same things he is doing that he considers good, with the same amount of consistency (or better). Ah, apparently not, because according to him, I have higher standards, and I should live by those, not his standards.

So why is it that I can't judge him by my standards then? If I am living up to my standards, can't I judge him as lacking if he is not? Not according to him.

I'm suppose to live by my higher standards, allow him to live by his much, much lower standards, and judge him by his lower standards - something which really requires no judgment what-so-ever, since as he has proven again and again, he basically has no standards, no self-pride, no real integrity. All while he judges me by my higher standards. Doesn't that take the cake!?

Well, enough is enough. Like I said, I finally decided to live by his standards, and be damned what he thinks because he obviously doesn't care what I think or feel when he does things that hurt me.

Am I going to go out and have an affair? Probably slim to no chance of that. Despite his lack of personal integrity, I do have personal integrity, and even his screwed up values can't mess that up.

Am I going to start lying to him. No, haven't yet, and won't start now. Again, my personal integrity doesn't allow that.

Am I going to start hiding things from him? No, I have to do something worth hiding to warrant actually hiding something.

Am I a stickler for black and white? Oh yes, as in, if you deliberately don't tell me something, then you are hiding it. He doesn't see things that way. To him, if he deliberately doesn't tell me something, he can always hide behind the "I forgot" phrase, and he is absolved from any wrong doing. I can ask him who he had lunch with, he can deliberately leave out the bimbo he is currently screwing, and if I later find out she was present, to him it's okay to say "I forgot she was there", even if he screwed her right after lunch. To him it wasn't a lie, he just forgot. How convenient. I guess I'm suppose to take it as a good sign that sex with her is so easily forgotten. Whatever.

Even if I won't do anything worth actually hiding, can't I can use his philosophy and just not tell him everything, or use the 'I forgot' phrase? After all, I've been "I forgot" phrased to death for years. Apparently not, because when I've tried to legitimately use it in the past, he always throws it in my face that I remember everything, therefore I'm deliberately hiding something from him. More double standards.

So although I told him all this a few days ago, I don't think I really embraced it myself until today. Something just clicked with me today. I felt great, despite my cold, despite DH. And wow, good things came my way. Nothing spectacular by most people's standards, not even by my standards, but things that finally made me feel good about myself - first time in ages.

I had a computer problem at work. Spotted one of the techs while I was out having a smoke. Called him over, explained the problem, and he came to my office to check it out. All very innocent, and most of the talk involved fixing the problem. Except one thing. A tiny little thing. Probably very innocent on his part, but it made me feel like a school girl that someone was flirting with. He asked if I had ever been to a particular place. I said I didn't even know what it was. He said it was a restaurant in the area. I told him no. He casually mentioned I'd have to try it out sometime, and maybe we could go to lunch there some day. Other than my 'that would be nice' response, there was nothing more said about it. No date for lunch, not even a 'how about next week?'. We continued on with the computer discussion, and he left when that was over.

Now to me, there are three different types of attractions you can have of someone of the opposite sex. Physical attraction - as in you find that person physically attractive, good looking, etc. Mental attraction - as in you find conversation with that person stimulating, or entertaining, and overall you feel they are a good person. Finally, sexual attraction - something that in my mind has nothing to do with the other two, and you have no real control over it, as in it is purely chemical or some such nonsense.

I've had relationships in the past where I found the guy attractive both physically and mentally, but sexually, he just didn't do anything for me at all. I've had relationships with guys I found physically and sexually attractive, but they just were not nice people at all (DH comes to mind). I've had relationships with guys I found sexually and mentally attractive, but they weren't physically attractive by any stretch of my imagination. That isn't to say others didn't find them
physically attractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that jazz......

Anyway, this computer tech is not attractive to me in any of the three senses, but he is a nice guy. One of the good guys. Someone who really deserves someone who will treat him well, because I have no doubt he will treat them well. He misses the mark on the mentally attractive factor because he is sort of a computer geek - I'm not using that as a derogatory term, I'm just not computer savvy, and really don't care to be. So that sort of conversation bores me. He is however, someone I could form a friendship with, which is something I could use right now.

Shortly after trying to resolve my computer problem (which didn't get resolved - now I have to call someone in the UK to assist), I head out of work to the pool.

I'm not a physical fitness nut - by anyone's standards. But I force myself to swim 2-3 times a week. Not a lot, just 5 laps in an Olympic size pool - that's a mere 500 meters each time I swim. But I hate running with a passion. I mean really hate running. The Navy allows you to swim for your bi-annual physical readiness test. That's great, but the swim actually requires training. I can pass the run even if I only run twice a year for my test. I could walk the run and still pass in the time I'm allotted. The swim is a bit different. I actually have to be in some semblance of good physical condition to do it. So, I head to the pool. Which I do two or three times each week, at the same time, on the same days.

Today, I get out of the pool after my swim and head to the top of my lane to get my flip-flops. The guy in the lane next to me makes a point of sticking his head out of the water, still a quarter of the way from the end of his lane, then sticks his hand out of the water as well, and waves at me. I actually turned around to see if he was waving at someone behind me - in a totally empty pool building, bar the lifeguards and two older ladies swimming in other lanes.

I realize, like some idiot, that he is waving at me, so I sort of smile in response. Then bend down to put on my flip-flops. He reaches the end of his lane, grabs the side of the pool, and asks me something. I can't understand, due in part to my still stuffed up ears from the head cold I've had, the water in my ears from my swim, and the swimming cap still in place on my head, covering my ears. I say 'pardon?'. He repeats himself, and I still don't understand what he is saying. I apologize, lift the swim cap from my ears, and ask him to repeat himself. He asks if I had a good swim. I say yes, although only 5 laps. I'm not sure why I provide this fact, perhaps because he was swimming when I got in the pool, and is obviously going to continue to swim now. He says he has to do more, to watch his girlish figure. I say I'm too old to worry about a girlish figure anymore, I just want to pass my PRT and I hate running. He agrees, about the running that is, then asks when I'll be there again. I think I blushed. I'm sure I blushed. Hopefully it was covered up by the fact I was heated from my swim. I answer 'Wednesday', and he says see you then, then swims down the lane. I stand there like a giddy school girl. I collect my wits, which had emptied into the puddle of water at my feet, and head to the locker room.

There I get my third nice surprise of the day. I always weigh myself on the digital scale after my swim. I don't track it, I don't write it down, I don't even think to myself how much more or less than it was last time. I do however, note that I fluctuate between 142.6 and 143.5, give or take a tenth of a pound every so often. Today I weighed in at 141.14. It's probably due to the fact that I didn't eat at all last week for 3 days - or perhaps it was 4 - due to how crappy I felt with the sinus cold/infection I had. But I still feel good about it anyway.

So I come home to DH, who is insisting on acting like we are such a happy couple. He repeatedly tries to snuggle me to him. I let him, but don't reciprocate. He kisses me. I stand there. Lips not responding - at all. I stand there with a knife in my hand, waiting to cut the meat I've just placed on the cutting board, while he keeps kissing my non-responsive lips. Then he tries to stick his tongue in my mouth. I keep my teeth closed, as he probes around and between my lips with his tongue. I have a momentary wicked thought of biting his tongue, but I keep my teeth firmly gritted, while trying not to grin at the thought. All this while Mikaela was at the other end of the house in her bedroom doing homework, and Parker was downstairs in the family room playing a SNES game. They weren't present. There was no need to show them the false happy couple. I'll stick to my rules, even if he can't. His rules are always different anyway, and his rules are different for himself than they are for me even. Good heavens, he'll probably want sex tonight to boot. Maybe I'll feign my head cold is still too present to deal with that. Then again, maybe he'll catch my cold and feel as crappy as I did for a week, and he'll leave me the hell alone.

Teaching him the 'treat others as you would want to be treated' lesson will be a long, slow process, and I doubt he'll ever learn it, since he hasn't seemed to learn any lesson from any mistake he's ever made in this relationship, much less the same mistakes he's made in past relationships. But after feeling like I've been flirted with twice today, I think I can give him some of his own medicine, yet still keep my personal integrity in tact. So there is no doubt in anyone's mind out there, keeping my integrity in tact is of higher importance than teaching him a lesson. He isn't worth sacrificing my values. At the moment, I don't think he's worth much of anything, although if he is up to the challenge to prove otherwise, I won't stop him.

And in the mean time, I won't let anything he tries to do to me or anything he says to me remove me from the little cloud I'm floating on after today!

Finally, my moanings, with no real meaning

So I wonder to myself, what makes a person do something that they KNOW will hurt their spouse, yet they do it anyway?

Is it stubbornness - that attitude that they will do what they want, no matter how it may hurt someone else, because there is no way in hell that anyone, in anyway, through actual words or even implied impressions, will control what they can or can not do?

Is it an attitude that they care so little for someone else, they have no guilt over doing something that they know will hurt their spouse? That their wants, needs, feelings, desires are always more important than anyone else's, be damned the pain they may cause?

Is it an attitude that they can do no wrong, that whatever they do, there of course will not be an repercussions, because that in itself implies some wrong doing on their part, and they are never responsible or guilty of anything?

Trust me, I've heard it all. I can't follow any logic, because there doesn't seem to be any logic present. I can't understand, because there is no understanding on his part, so of course there can't be any explanations to, at a minimum, provide me with insight into his line of thinking.

If a person tells you that they lied about, covered up and hid something that they were doing because they knew if I knew you would be hurt by what they were doing, doesn't that imply that they knew it would hurt you but did it anyway? According to him, it doesn't.

If a person tells you that there was nothing going on that you would be angry about, wouldn't you suspect there had to be, otherwise, why jump through all the hoops to cover it up and hide it from you? Of course, you have to be coming from knowing the history of past affairs, past lies, past cover-ups by this person. According to him, there is nothing going on to hide. Oh and by the way, I'm suppose to ignore the fact that it was wrong to be lying, covering up, hiding something from me to begin with.

Does anyone else hate the statement "I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you" as much as I do? I've heard it a thousand times from him, for a thousand different reasons, and it never gets any easier to swallow. He doesn't seem to learn that the reason why he was lying is just intensified by his lies, and in the end, his lies always hurt more.

I read other's blogs, and there are those out there that have their own battles, their own demons they are fighting. I have close friends, and those that are just acquaintances, that go through similar things, or worse. None of these people deserve this treatment. I don't think I deserve this treatment. Yet suffer it I do, just as others suffer their undeserved treatment.

I wonder if it's my stubbornness that keeps me here. Is it that I won't give up, no matter what? Or is it stubbornness that I will bend someone else into treating me the way I would like to be treated. Trust me, I treat him the way I want to be treated.

Is it a false sense of hope that some day, things will be better? That one day, a thoughtful, truthful, open, honest person will appear out of the lying bastard I now have?

Is it the sick sense that some day, my silent wishes that lightening will strike him dead will happen, and I'll be forever rid of his crap that he continues to expect me to put up with?

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I'm back......

Well, I didn't drop off the face of the earth, although sometimes I'm sure there are people that wish I would, and of course, there are times when even I wish I would. However, life goes on, with it's ups and downs, giggles and disappointments. I've been dealing with a few things here at home, but my trek back into the blogging community won't be a moan about it all. That will have to wait until I gather my thoughts a bit more coherently - right now they are still reeling in several different directions. Instead, I'll post what I should have posted weeks ago, but it was overcome by events, or OBE as we say in the military. So I'll post the good stuff now, and if you feel up to it, you can return in a few days and read my moanings. Here are my darlings on the bank of the James River. They really are the only things that make life worth while.

Here is my sweet boy doing what boys do best - getting dirty. He slipped in some horrible, slimy mud, which of course refused to come off his pants despite a good long soak in Biz, then lots of Spray-n-Wash along with detergent in the wash cycle. Ah well, pants were too short for him anyway - although he does have them rolled up here. :-)

Here is Mikaela and me, still on the bank of the James River.

For those thinking of venturing into the camping world - I highly recommend a Trailmanor. Can be pulled by just a van or SUV, yet gives you all the comforts of a full 30 foot trailer.

Ahh, look at the concentration on that boy's face as he marks his design on his pumpkin.

Yes, Mikaela was quite disgusted by having to stick her hand in all that goo, but I told her this year if she thought she was old enough to carve her own pumpkin, then by golly she was old enough to clean it out.

Here the little goblins are all ready to go trick-or-treating.

Their finished pumpkins. Mikaela's in back, is supposed to be a silly face, but I think the separation between mouth and nose/eyes is just too narrow. She did a great job marking the pattern and carving it, so the flaw is in the design, not in her work. Parker's spider turned out great, and although I did the carving, I followed his lines - he did a great job marking the design.

All for now. I'll collect my thoughts, my wits, and some humor, while dumping some anger and bitterness, and try to write a logic blog that doesn't sound like I want a pity party. Come back if you're game.

Friday, October 29, 2004

SP3 hits just keep coming!

WOW - Another package from my Secret Pal 3! Yikes, I have to get a move on - I've had stuff sitting here for my person for over 2 weeks - they are even wrapped - just have to put them in a box and mail! I'd better get a move on!

Anyway, thanks SO much Secret Pal for the WHOLE BOX of yummy Tahki Cotton Classic in a bold sort of salmon color - hard to decribe, and the picture really doesn't do it justice. But 10 skeins to make some glorious project - it will take me a while to find the perfect pattern for it, but I'm thinking a tank and short sleeve sweater set.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Quick post tonight

Finished my poncho! Whoopee!!

Wonders never cease! Last week I emailed DH explaining that I was no longer going to try to bend over backwards to treat him in the manner in which he wanted to be treated if he couldn't treat me in the same manner. Two days later I got an apology and these. Wonder how long it will last this time?





More wonders here! (So Mick, there IS hope in the present department!) I didn't get cologne for an anniversary present. Of course, after the past two years, I was surprised to get anything at all - even cologne would have surprised me. Anyway - DH got dancing lessons for us! That's right, after 5 lessons, we should be able to hold our own on the dance floor. Of course, that's assuming we ever actually GO dancing! But the fact that he even thought of this for a present just blew my mind. Parker took this picture with the digital. Mikaela had the film camera - we'll see how those turned out in a few days.




Put up Halloween decorations yesterday - kids watched "The Borrowers" with Mr. Skeleton - I couldn't hang him up till the movie was over.




Haven't started knitting with my Blue Sky Alpaca yet, but hope to tonight after helping Mikaela with a school project. Geez - those things keep on coming, don't they?!

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Thank you Secret Pal 3 !!!

WOW - I really hit the jackpot yesterday when I came home! I wasn't feeling great when I came home yesterday, but the gift box waiting for me on the front porch from my Secret Pal 3 really cheered my spirits. Then I opened it!

What a huge bonanza of gifts! The first thing that greeted me as I opened the box was a stuffed animal - Gromit - of Wallace & Gromit fame. I love these guys! Of course, the kids tried like heck to steal him. Parker even ran and got his little 'beanie' Gromit and said that he had a baby Gromit, therefore needed a daddy Gromit. I didn't let that sway me - yet! :-) So for the moment he is still sitting on the dining room table with 'baby Gromit'. Parker has taken him for a tour of the house though, showed him all the rooms so he would feel comfortable in his new home.

The second thing that popped out at me was three lovely skeins of Blue Sky Bulky hand dyed yarn from Blue Sky Alpacas in a nice soft muted rose. I hear it calling to be made into a caplet or scarf - something I can wear around my shoulders in bed when sitting up watching a movie and knitting or doing needlework. There is no headboard on our bed, the head of the bed is against an outside wall, so it can be rather chilly sitting there working on things in the winter. I am now working fast and furious on my poncho because I feel the slow slide to no self control in waiting to begin this project till the other one is off the needles. The Blue Sky Bulky is just soooo soft though, it's screaming for me, even when I close the box tight.

Next was a bag of yummy bath treats from Gilchrist & Soames. I've had these before - at a very posh hotel they were the complimentary soaps/shampoos I found in the bathroom. So I've already experienced the lovely relaxing fragrance of their Spa Therapy line. A nice clean scent, not overpowering. I am looking forward to using these soon, and when they are gone, I'll have a nifty plastic zip bag for crafting paraphenalia! What a bonus!

Last, but far from least, was Book Number Two of Cornelia Tuttle Hamilton's hand knitting collection. Some lovely designs in here, and I can't decide which I'd like to make first - but I think it will be either Lovlund or Rocktorp. The book itself will be a wonderful read - it tells all about the S/S Mariefred, a steamship ferry which runs between Stockholm and Mariefred, Sweden. I look forward to some quiet time this weekend to relaxing and read it all.

So thank you very much SP3 - your gifts are wonderful and very much appreciated!

On to crafting news, my poncho front and back are finished, although I have the fun fur to finish up one side of the back or front - can't remember which. Then I have to sew the shoulder seams, then knit the hood. Hopefully I can finish it by the weekend, then I'll start fondle the Blue Sky Bulky for a bit and think long and hard about what the perfect project will be. I think I'll have to do some serious searching for a caplet pattern knit in bulky yarn. I'm thinking I won't find that. I'm thinking that I will just have to design my own, because I am sure my will power in not knitting with that yarn SOON won't last past the weekend!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Plugging away

I'm pluggin' away here, despite circumstances. My felted bag with fun fur is dry - not sure I like the results. I washed it 4 times trying to get the portion with fun fur to felt as much as I would like. In the process, the top portion which had double yarn overs to create holes for the straps, felted so much, that the holes are not longer even worth having for the straps. So the straps don't slide through like I would like. I'm pondering getting some cording for the straps, because I think that would slide through better than the felted I-cord.

I've had plenty of time to work on my poncho. I had duty on Friday night, and again last night. Here's a photo of the back, taken on Saturday. After duty last night, I only have two mores rows before beginning the shoulder shaping for the front. I am hoping to finish the poncho by this coming weekend.




Of course, because it's that time of year, in addition to the two 8 hour watches over the weekend, I also had most of Thursday to work the poncho. Parker woke up around 5 am, throwing up, so I stayed home from work with him. Then whatever he had was passed on to Mikaela. Unfortunately, her first swim meet on her new swim team was Saturday, and she missed it because she woke up Saturday morning around 4 am, throwing up. I had to still go to the swim meet though because I am one of the stroke and turn judges.

They are both fine now of course, and we went to Howl-O-Scream again on Sunday night. Traffic leaving there was really bad for some reason, and I was almost late getting to watch on time at 11:15 pm. Came home this morning and got the kids up and took them to school. Finally collapsed in bed at 9:30 this morning. Can't sleep too well during the day though, despite being up for well over 24 hours. Got up at 1 pm and went to the pool to swim laps. I will sleep like a baby tonight though!